Preface (Sneak Peek)

My interest in cooking began in my father’s kitchen back when I was in grade school. I say the kitchen was my father’s because he was somehow designated the chef in our little family of three. My mother would cook on occasion if she had to, but I was always under the impression that it was something that she didn’t particularly enjoy.

The kitchen was such a magical place for me. It was the place where a piece of meat was turned into a mouth watering piece of edible perfection. Even the toaster oven was magic. It brought sliced bread to life. Hell, it wasn’t just bread anymore. The bread became an evenly browned crispy canvas waiting for a brush of butter. But the real star of the show was our stove. By today’s standards, one would most definitely describe it as a piece of junk. The knobs were always sticky with old grease, it had a temperamental igniter, and patches of missing paint due to my mom’s enthusiasm for Easy-off. Despite its homely appearance, that stove was the birthplace of many delicious dishes made to share with friends and loved ones. It was also where I lit up my first cigarette, but that is an entirely different story.

Since the stove was still off limits to me, I would “cook” things with my colorful 8 year old imagination. During recess while at school, was where I baked my special 6 tier sand cakes in all shapes and sizes. At home, I would serve my imaginary friends hors d’oeuvres that consisted of mud pâté over maple leaf crackers. But my specialty was a side dish called “Mystery Potion Soup”. Intended to be a gazpacho of sorts, it was the deadliest, most vile concoction crafted by the hands of a small child (yours truly).

Mystery Potion Soup

Ingredients:

1 cup Listerine (the yellow kind)
¼ cup Comet
¼ cup Windex
1 tsp Colgate
10 sheets Toilet Paper
1 dash Baby Powder

Directions:

Gather all ingredients without getting caught by the grown-ups

Dump everything in the cauldron (toilet)

Use toilet bowl cleaning wand to mix well until Comet and Baby Powder have completely dissolved.

Serve cold in a paper cup.

For family members reading this who are suddenly worried if I’ve ever served you a nice tall cup of Mystery Potion Soup; rest easy. I have never served Mystery Potion Soup to a human being.